Parenting and Cancer
Parenting is tough enough without adding cancer into the mix. While there's no single formula that can make parenting through cancer easy; there are some practical tools, strategies, resources and services that can help.
Parenting is hard enough at the best of times, let alone when you're dealing with cancer. You might worry about how to talk to your kids about your illness but children want to be informed and involved. When you chat to them, you're able to help them understand the situation better. Here we explore the benefits of talking to kids about cancer, how to tackle the topic and share other helpful resources
Parenting is tough enough without adding cancer into the mix. While there's no single formula that can make parenting through cancer easy; there are some practical tools, strategies, resources and services that can help.
There's evidence to suggest that children always know that something is wrong when a parent has cancer. Children as young as three have a sense of something being different and that there have been changes in the parent and within the family.
What do children know about cancer?
- Children often overhear things, such as phone conversations
- Children can see changes in the parent with cancer
- Cancer and treatment often disrupts normal routines
- When a parent is having treatment, children may be cared for by other people, such as grandparents
- Children pick up on changes in emotions around them and are conscious of distress in adults
There is no evidence that talking to children about cancer is harmful. Being aware that something is wrong, but not knowing why can be confusing and distressing for children. Being open and honest with children about cancer is beneficial. When a parent is unwell, the findings from the research is that children want to be informed and involved:
- Children want to have as much information as possible about what is happening
- Children want to feel involved in caring for their sick parent
Why talking to children about cancer is important
By not talking to your children yourself, you have no control over what information the children receive and their understanding of the situation. Children:
- Often have ‘magical thinking’, which mean that they can catastrophise and imagine that the situation is worse than it actually is
- Can blame themselves and assume that changes in the parent are the result of something they have done, such as being naughty
- Will worry about the future and what will happen to them
- Will worry about the welfare of the ‘well’ parent and whether they will become unwell too
- May worry that the sick parent does not love them anymore
- May receive incorrect and frightening information about cancer elsewhere
- Can feel excluded and this can affect their relationship with their parents
The benefits of talking to children about cancer
Talking to your children about cancer is beneficial, but possibly one of the most difficult things a parent ever has to do:
- It provides reassurance that the child is loved
- It provides reassurance that they will still be looked after and do the things that they like doing
- They will be reassured that the illness is not catching and that the other parent or carer will not get ill
- It reassures children that they will not get cancer themselves and can prevent any other misconceptions about cancer
- It will help the child feel more involved in caring for the sick parent
- It provides preparation for the possibility that the situation may get worse
Broaching the subject of cancer with children can be difficult and as a parent, you will instinctively know what will work best with your children. However, these tips may be helpful:
- Start by asking the child for their understanding of what is happening. You may be surprised that the child knows more than you thought
- Ask the child what they know about cancer
- Try not to use euphemisms and use the word cancer at least once in the conversation
- It might be helpful to explain the cancer as a lump but ensure that the word cancer is used in the explanation
- Provide reassurance that the child is loved and will always be loved by the parent with cancer
- Provide reassurance about what will stay the same and that the child will always be cared for
- Reassure the child that they cannot catch cancer and that they can still be physically close with the parent
- Becoming emotional when talking to children is not problematic, it gives children permission to be upset too and alerts them to the seriousness of the situation
- Do not be concerned if the child seems not to have understood – younger children may require the information to be repeated on several occasions
- Children often need a break from strong emotions – allowing the child to go and play may provide a break and can give the child time to absorb the information
- Try to be as honest as possible and not give false hope
- Provide simple suggestions about how the child can be involved in caring for the parent with cancer
- Encourage questions and try to be as honest as possible in your answers
- Encourage open communication and reassure the children that they can come back for more information at any time
Helpful resources
Books
- The Secret C – Winston’s Wish
- A Monster Calls – Patrick Ness
- The Huge Bag of Worries – Virginia Ironside
- Mummy's Got A Poorly - written by Sarah West who died of breast cancer in 2018
- Mummy Goes To Hospital - Lynsey Gregory (message Lynsey and let her know you are part of the Trekstock Community to receive your free copy)
- Only one of Me by Lisa Wells who sadly
- The Lady and the Thing by Laura King
Organisations
Mummy's Star is the only charity in the UK and Ireland with the aim of 'supporting pregnancy through cancer and beyond'. They offer emotional support including a named Information and Support Worker and regular check-ins to see how you are.
Fruit Fly Collective is a group of scientists and artists who work together to help children, adults and families understand challenging scientific and health-related ideas, including families who are affected by cancer by increasing both the child's and their carer's understanding of the disease.
The Osborne Trust offers free emotional and practical support for children of a parent with a cancer diagnosis and undergoing cancer treatment. Help is offered freely to children aged 16 years and younger with a parent with any type of cancer all over the UK.
Riprap was developed especially for teenagers who have a parent with cancer. In Riprap, you can learn more about cancer and its treatment and through real stories, you can read the experiences of other young people and share your own story.
Trekstock Talks
Check out our Trekstock Talks on parenting with cancer:
Other resources
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. We wanted to share some resources which might be useful for those living life alongside Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Conversations around cancer aren't always easy. Whether you're talking to your pals, loved ones, partner or even your medical team, knowing how to deal with topics that might feel tricky can go a long way in helping you manage your relationships. Check out our top tips for having those difficult conversations.
Whether you're dating, in a serious relationship, having a bit of fun or committed to be together for the rest of your lives, when your partner's diagnosed with cancer it can bring some big challenges along. Suddenly you've both got a lot to deal with. Working out how to support each other, and yourselves, is key for moving forward.
Lifting the Lid aims to create a safe environment to delve into important topics, while letting our community of people living life alongside cancer know that there are experts on hand who understand their experiences. Check out the full library
.png)
If you’re the parent of someone in our community with cancer, we know there’s not a lot of information out there to support you. We explore how you might be feeling, how you can help and how to take care of yourself in amongst it all.
When you’re in your 20s or 30s and you’re diagnosed with cancer, lots of things change. One of the things you’ve told us can be most difficult, is navigating friendships in life alongside cancer. We unpick the gnarly topic of friendship and cancer, offering tips and advice for managing your relationships.
Whether you love it or hate it, exercising beyond a cancer diagnosis can be hugely beneficial. We look at the things that might be stopping you from exercising and help unpick how to tackle them
Sean was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma when he was 28. At the time, he was a self-employed personal trainer and found that his cancer caused paralysing pain. Now, Sean is back on his fitness journey and has joined us as a RENEW trainer. He shares the story of his experience from patient to cancer exercise specialist with us.
What do you need to know about food and cancer? It's the wild, wild West out there, so we worked with some brill experts and friends to bring you everything you need to know. Our guide is a no-nonsense, evidence based guide designed with you in mind.
Navigating sex and cancer is a minefield. Whether you’re trying to do the deed after diagnosis, you’re living with cancer or you’re in the realms of that elusive new normal we hear so much about, the truth is, the whole thing can be, well...Tricky. Here's our tips on sex and cancer
Receiving a cancer diagnosis in your 20s or 30s is hard enough. When you are from the LGBTQIA+ community there can be a number of issues you may face. One of these may be your sex life and sexual health. Stewart from LGBTQIA+ cancer support charity OUTpatients and experts share their tips and advice that can help you navigate sex after cancer.
Menopause is a common but not often discussed side effect of breast cancer treatment. Stacey didn't realise how much her menopausal symptoms were impacting her until she joined Trekstock's menopause programme.
.webp)
Lydia's cancer diagnosis when she was 24 meant she had to undergo a complete hysterectomy – having her uterus and cervix removed. As a result, she found herself facing the menopause. Here’s her story on how she’s reached an understanding with her symptoms.
Exercise and cancer don't seem like ideal partners. But the truth is they go together exceptionally well. Exercise has tonnes of benefits for those going through cancer treatment and living with any long term impacts. Exercise physiologist Tom Cowan explains the benefits of exercising with cancer and shares the best ways to make it work for you.
.jpg)
Living life alongside cancer when you’re in your 20s or 30s brings its own unique set of challenges. But we exist to help you make the most of the parallel lives you’re living as both patient and person. Here’s a rundown of everything we offer.
We're able to consume more content and information than ever before. A world of news, dating apps and online shopping is always just a few seconds away. But humans have not evolved to handle this kind of consumption. We're still in the process of figuring out what exactly it does to us. This year's Men's Mental Health Week is focusing on the internet and its impact on male mental health
There are loads of ways to nurture body confidence, even with cancer in the mix. We're here to support you every step of the way, providing resources to enhance both your physical and mental well-being. Together, we can help you embrace self-love and find a sense of comfort in your own skin, even in the face of cancer.
So you’ve just been told you’ve got cancer. And then you’re told your ability to have kids in the future might be impacted too. Because cancer’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Finding out you might be infertile because of your cancer treatment can have a huge emotional impact. Even if kids are the last thing on your mind, making sense of having this decision taken away from you is important. If you’re experiencing fertility issues and it’s impacting your mental health, it’s OK. There are people and organisations out there designed to help.
Just because you've been diagnosed with cancer during your education doesn't mean you should be held back. Here's everything you need to know about living life alongside cancer and education
Tips for opening up about your health at work - from what your rights are to how to talk to your employer and what to do if you decide to stop working.
.webp)
Ambassador Carolina shares what the Trekstock community means to her and how she found support from people who'd been through cancer treatment at a young age.
Because navigating friendships in your 20s or 30s is hard enough without cancer.
No matter who you are, the physical changes that might occur because of cancer or its treatments can be really difficult. Whether you're dealing with nausea, hair loss, early menopause or anything else, learning how to manage these impacts is key to a better quality of life.
Cancer’s an emotional rollercoaster. It’s OK to find it tough to cope.